So one of my friends here is a High School English teacher and today she came up with this question: If you were to divide your life into 5 chapters what would you title each of them?

I strongly encourage everyone who reads this to think about what they can come up with. Here is mine:

1. Cubbyholes
2. Until the shoe fits
3. Circles and Solace
4. Adaption: The Art of Waiting?
5. How to Lose

So, since the move to New England I haven't been able to remember my dreams ...until last night. And what was it about? That I had MS, which my parents had known about for years and had never told me. The kicker? Secretly giving me injections for it in my sleep. Somehow I finally figured it out and the dream was about dealing with it. oooookay

And yes, I have been watching reruns of the west wing, so it isn't entirely out of nowhere I guess.

Thought I'd share! Yay for sharing.

So a very brief update before bed. Yes, I am indeed here in Vermont and survived the move even though I have fallen off the radar. It is a bit of an emotional roller coaster, but frankly I thought it would be worse than it has been. For the most part I just want to dig in and get settled, but nothing but time will fix that. Everyone here is super nice, but sarcasm isn't very big and I am concerned I have come off as an insensitive ass on a few occasions as a consequence of this (though there are a few people I have made die with laughter). The professors are wonderful though, very laid back and seem helpful. It ought to work out fine.
Other than that, I think I just need to wait till I have the energy for a more extensive update. There is one thing I want to say though, even though no one is going to know what I am talking about it(but for my own sake I must write it somewhere). I hate that I keep letting myself wait and hope for something that is never ever going to happen, because then I just feel like crap when I am forced to tell myself over and over and over again "Lisa, it is never going to happen." I don't really even understand why I want it to.

So a pleasant surprise happened late last week where I discovered Mel and Brandy were in town. The timing could not have been better since they are the perfect distraction. We went to the fair, got coffee and just caught up etc etc. Wonderful times. Brandy has since gone home, but Mel will be here until the day after I leave. We met up again last night at Caribou and will get dinner tonight. Tomorrow, Dad will be picking up the moving van and we will load it up. Sunday morning we will set off for Vermont/New Hampshire.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t written since graduation it is because I find my physical ink and paper journal significantly more cathartic than typing.

It is now 24 days until I will be moving to Vermont/New Hampshire. I’ll be living in a revamped barn house with three other physics grads for an obscenely cheap cost. The only downside being that I have never so much as laid eyes on these people before, which is causing me an increasing amount of disquiet. It is really starting to get to me that I will be leaving home for real this time. I absolutely love my parents and this is going to be much harder than anticipated. While a nine hour drive is doable, it is a non-trivial trek. And this fellowship is essentially a real job, with only two weeks of vacation time per year. So for the next five years I am only going to see my family for a week at Christmas and a week in the spring or summer.
Virtually all of my stuff is packed.

I've been trying to study for the qualifier, but my focus is hardly perfect.
I've been to Pittsburgh to visit Jenn twice, then again to help my brother move into his apartment in Shadyside. Also, a trip to oxford to help him get out of his place there. Seen Ros twice, which is always stimulating. I have lost three wisdom teeth; gained a new pair of glasses and haircut; tried to start painting and relearn to play the piano, and cooking, seen Obama twice. Reading, studying, exercising and thinking, thinking, thinking. When I absolutely have to get out of the house, I go shopping, which has led to a noticeable increase in my wardrobe.In general though, I feel too scattered to accomplish anything, but rather I'm just trying to do everything all at once. I've enjoyed myself, but the whole moving thing is creeping into my gut on a more regular basis than it used to. I can not imagine a challenge more complete or more daunting in my whole life. I mean, this is the test. Not on what I know, but on me, who I am and where I am going. I just feel dread over the whole thing. Not always though. Sometimes I am excited. Yesterday I was on google earth trying to figure out which house was mine and I learned that we are RIGHT on the river, not just close to it, but I'll probably look out the window and see it. It has got to be a great house, and that made me genuinely excited, so it is not all bad. I can barely even swim, there is no reason for that to make me happy, but for some reason it did. Waiting is always the worst part of everything. I just don't want to hear any more jokes about it, it is absolutely not funny to me, any nothing anyone says will make it so.

Friday:
-Chem final
-Chem poster presentation
-E&M project due

Saturday:
-Pirates game in Pittsburgh with Jenn and Jeff

Sunday:
-Senior Vespers

Monday:
-Tulley's with entire senior class

Tuesday:
-President's brunch and Senior gifts
-Go back to Pittburgh for Wednesday and Thursday with Jenn and Beth?

Friday:
-Commencement run through
-Presidents reception

Saturday:
-10:30 Baccalaureate
-2:30 Commencement
-6:00 check out of dorms
-??????

Sunday:
-??????????????

Monday:
-?????????????????????????????

Tuesday:
-??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

So yesterday was Senior Send-Off for Phi Mu and I just have to say that I have never broken down so completely in public before. Who would have thought that I, Miss Lisa Elaine, renowned for being quiet, un-dramatic, and emotionally stable would be the first to cry because Jennifer made a joke about how sharing a napkin is “showing real love.” I was a complete train wreck and should be pleased that I didn’t accidently light myself on fire when I was lighting one of the candles because I could not see through my tears. I seriously doubt that at any other time in my life will I have an experience like the one I have had with these women. We are true, honest to God sisters; bonded for life whether or not I ever see all of them again. Over the years there were times when I have hated some of them, but on days like yesterday you get punched in the face by how little any of the petty things, and even big things sometimes, matter because you are sisters, and nothing will ever change that. We are alumni now, and nothing will ever change the fact that we are sisters. There are several people over the years that I have been close to who have deactivated, and I can’t fully express how bad of an idea that is for any sister. The greatest aspect of a sisterhood is having a new family, people that you can be angry with, fight with, love and hate all at once, but know that they aren’t going anywhere. In college and in life, friends can be fleeting. One big fight with someone, and you can say screw it, cut them out of your life and be done with it. Or you can become too busy and just lose people over time. It’s so temporary and delicate, so fragile that you just lose people. Lose PEOPLE. Human being, people, person, entity, consciousness, entire living beings who think and feel like you do, who know you, and understand you, and have memories with you; just cut out of your life, just lost from your life, just gone. It is so easy to let the enormity of that slip by. That does not happen with sisters during college. It doesn’t matter how busy you get, they will be there when you have time again. It doesn’t matter how angry you get with them, once you get over it they are still going to be there. You can trust that these people which you have grown to know and care about are not going to fall out of your life, like a useless fact can get lost in your mind, or a sock can get lost in the dryer. Which is why I think graduating is such a horrible shock, because now these people that we knew we could trust to always be around no longer will be. Even the sisters I was not close to I love and will miss in some strange way, because they understand these things that I understand. They understand the bond between these sisters. It is enormously sad. Many of them will be staying around Pittsburgh, for at least a while, but I will be moving to New Hampshire, the weight of which is only now truly hitting me.
Luckily for me though, it is so obvious what of this life I will be holding onto and bringing into my new one. Jennifer, you know I am talking to you. Definitely Natalie as well, possibly Marilyn depending on how busy she becomes at her new school, maybe even Vicki in the end, so that I can keep an ear open to the sisters we leave behind. I really thought Becca would be on that list, but her deactivation was just too much for me to handle, she gave up, and I really haven’t seen her the same way since.
Roslyn, I think we have faired pretty well thus far and I hope to continue our long distance friendship. Now I am just several hours away from you in the other direction.

Today I successful defended my senior capstone research, which means I will indeed be graduating (as long as I turn in an acceptable undergrad thesis paper as well, but since it is already half done I think I can manage it).

Graduation= May 17th= in 22 days
How absurd

I just wanted to say that the last week may just have been the best of my life. Not because of anything huge or amazing, it was full of little things that kept making me feel good about life… For an entire week.

It started last Thursday. I needed to get a poster printed for a presentation related to my capstone research. There is apparently only one person on the entire campus who knows how to use our poster printer, and she wasn’t going to be in to work either that day or the next. Therefore, I had to go back to the Kinkos in Boardman to get the thing printed. Jenn offered to take me, and we had a good little outing involving a stop at the new Chipotle near Best Buy. Also, it only cost $9 to get the poster printed. We got back on campus just in time to go to the Theta Chi date auction, which I really wanted to get to to support Marilyn. Good time had by all. Phi Mu won lots of random things in the raffles.

Friday: Get a call from the Pennsylvania registration board: my voter registration stuff got there in time and everything is good, so I will be able to vote in the primary here. Go to YSU for the APS/AAPT Physics Conference. We check in and they give us all kind of information and everybody gets sweet laser pointer/LED flashlight pens. My poster presentation goes wonderful. I was able to answer all the questions and a few people were genuinely interested in what I was working on; which was surprisingly uplifting to me. We then go to the dinner the AAPT is holding in the Butler Art Museum, which is always great to walk around. There is this beautiful gray piece near the stairway that I love, but I must always forget about it and rediscovering it is fun. At the dinner itself, Dr. Caylor, Steph, Kevin, and myself end up sitting at a table with these three wonderful people. They sell equipment and were telling us the greatest stories about traveling to all sorts of places. They were a blast, they told this story about a place in some New England state where they were helping to set something up and they went to a seafood place. It was apparently a very hole-in-the-wall kind of place that all the locals go to. They served them some kind of seafood with really tough shells, and just dumped them in the center of the table and gave each person a hammer to eat them with. It sounded awesome. But yeah, they were just the coolest people. At one point they wanted to wander the museum so they ask me to watch their seats. I tell them I will but they start messing me, saying I don’t look like I could defend a chair. So in a perfectly serious face I tell them “Oh, no, I’m scrappy.” This comment absolutely killed Dr. Caylor, who said that comment made the entire trip worthwhile. The second talk at the conference is about climate change, and was very interesting. We all start heading back to Westminster, and I am in the van with Caylor. It is also worth noting that Chris, Mark, and a few others have been playing with their laser pointer pens pretty much all day. But we are driving back at night so we are dark adapted in the car, when Chris shines the LED into the rear view mirror. Now Dr. Caylor tells us off all the time, he is a pretty young prof, probably around 33 to 35, and he is a sarcastic smart ass. But hearing him say to Chris “Don’t you fucking dare” was pretty priceless. Some people sound very natural when they swear, and apparently he is one of them, though he typically holds his tongue. So we get back to Westminster and we hang out in the student lounge for a bit. We decide that we will go to the one-acts, which are student written sort one-act plays put on by the theater honorary, in a few hours. In the mean time, we (Natalie, Marilyn, Chris, Kurtis, and myself) play with out laser pointers in the planetarium. We amuse ourselves in this manner for a solid hour, working together to draw pictures/ all the greek letters on the planetarium dome. We then headed over to the campus center for the show, and in between acts continue playing with our lasers on the ceiling. Eventually, some people notice and give us a good bit of applause for an awesome smiley face and the kid running the sound starts narrating our “follow the leader” game as a race. After the one-acts, we head back to ferg for a bit to put on some warmer clothes: we want to go play on the roof of the science building, and it is around 11:30/12:00 at this point, so it is a bit chilly. So we bundle up and head back to Hoyt. On the way a tree is climbed. Once we get there, Chris decides to try to climb the wall of the adjacent building since it is the brick that has some inset further than others. Natalie and Kurtis join him and I have a wonderful picture of “spider physicists”. We then decide we will need to call security to have them let us into Hoyt, since it is already closed for the night. They will probably be more inquisitive if a bunch of us are there, so Natalie, Kurtis, and Chris go around to the back door while me and Marilyn wait at the main entrance for security. The security guard that comes over is one that sees me and Marilyn in the physics student lounge all the time late at night and barely bats and eyes when he sees us needing to get in. He asks us what we need to get in for, we say to work in the planetarium, and he lets us in and leaves. We head to the back door and let the rest of them in. We then go to the observatory on the roof. Marilyn opens the slit of the dome and people start climbing onto the outskirts of the dome. This scares me to death because in order to manage this one must stand on the shaky wooden railing around the telescope and then shift your weight onto the outer rim of the dome, which is probably 4ish feet over and at an angle. If one were to slip during this ordeal they would be greeted by a 15ft fall onto solid concrete. They are all trying to peer pressure me into it, when Marilyn says there is a ladder from the actual roof up to the dome roof that I could try. Now a ladder sounds like a good idea as I am staring at the concrete below me, so I head back down the observatory stair to the main roof. This is one creepy ladder, it is obviously ancient and seeing as it is on the roof of a building in Pennsylvania sees bad weather constantly. Natalie comes with me for moral encouragement, and somehow I manage to get up it.
At this point it is probably obvious but, my fear of heights got a lot worse over last summer when I was at Kitt Peak: We walked along the catwalk of the 4m. Let me explain this further. The catwalk is a metal grid with railings, bolted to the dome of this approximately 20 story tall telescope. You look at your feet and you see through the walkway straight to the ground. While we are walking around it, they are telling us the story of the guy who got pushed off the catwalk and fell to his death. Thanks, this is the perfect time to tell this story…
But anyway, I got up the ladder and we continue goofing around and take a bunch of pictures, yell at the brothers standing outside of Phi Tau, and start singing for some reason. After a while it starts getting really cold so we move back into the observatory (me via the ladder). We amuse ourselves with the strange acoustics of the dome and start singing again. We do this for a while until we decide we really need to call it a night soon, and head back to Ferg. We continue hanging out in Marilyn’s room, and set up a series of reflective surfaces for our lasers to bounce off of, they we sprinkled Kool Aid into the air so we could watch the beam. This continued to entertain us for a while, and then we somehow got onto the subject of Fourier series, Natalie hadn’t heard of them, so I explained the concept, and Marilyn got really excited and showed us a game on her computer involving Fourier series (yes, we are that ridiculously geeky). We played with some of the other geeky toys in Marilyns room for a bit and eventually call it a night.
So yes, Friday March 28th is officially the best day I have had during my time here at Westminster. It didn’t involve alcohol, boyfriends, or anything illegal, it was just us being ridiculous, and ourselves, and not caring about other people thinking we are immature for having so much fun with laser pointers. It was just a good time. It was innocent, it was genuine, and it was the kind of day and night that made me believe that not all happiness is superficial. And it wasn’t just me. Marilyn agrees that it was the best time she has had here.

Saturday: Sleep in like crazy because we went to bed so late. Around dinner time I went to Jenn’s for one of her wine and cheese parties. I got to see Beth Klass, formerly Randall, whom I never see. She is still such a sweet heart. We make pizza, seven layer dip, and beer bread without beer, but with fermented apple cider. All of these turned out excellently. Marilyn and Kurtis show up for a bit and we play with Jane the cat. More sisters show up and I got to chat with Heather, Tara, and Dell about me going to New Hampshire for a bit. Dell might move to New Hampshire in a year or so to go to a law school near Dartmouth. She said she is hoping to snag a smart Dartmouth boy, I agree that this is also a goal. If I don’t meet an appropriate boy for me at grad school I don’t think I ever will. Seriously, grad school has got to be good for meeting people who think about life similarly to me… right? Jenn plans on going to Phi Tau, so I head back to Ferg and crash early.

Sunday: Marilyn hosts a prospective girl physics major. She is a wonderful person. She is between here and Pitt and I really hope she comes here, Pitt is too big of a school for people like us. I spent time with her while Marilyn was at an exec meeting. We all hung out together afterwards talking about movies and religion. Phi Mu also has Sunday chapter meeting, so Nikki took her for a bit. Natalie auditioned to be our Greek Idol candidate and did beautifully. After that, we continued spending time with the prospective in my room so she could meet Vicki. We had some of the most random discussions ever.

Tuesday: Society of Physics Student had audits and I totally rocked them. We will likely get a good amount of money next year. It doesn’t effect me really, but I care about the people here and I want them to be well funded. The auditors were super nice and ate up everything I told them.

Wednesday: Phi Mu recruitment party. We got to paint little flower pots for the retirement home across the street from campus. The party was super relaxed and a good time for everyone involved. There has been a lot of sorority drama recently, and everyone putting it all aside and just spending time together was the remedy everyone needed. Bought my cap and gown this day, and it hit me full force how horribly I am going to miss my friends here.

Thursday: First planetarium show of the semester, goes off without any serious problems! Got to go to sister dinner with Jennifer. Good time had by all.

Friday: Held SPS elections and collectively ate two large and two medium pizzas. There are not that many of us that that should have even been possible. We also finished our year long project of building a trebuchet this day. I drilled a hole for the final piece of it, to hold the launch pin in place. We loaded it into Kurtis’ truck and took it down to the football practice fields. For our first launch. It was incredibly pathetic, so we kept making adjustments and it got better by the end. I’m not sure which was my favorite: when we tried to launch a bowling ball and it fell out of the sling behind the trebuchet, or the rocket that had an incredibly cool spin to it. Steph took video of the launches which I really need to acquire. I peace-ed out of the launches a bit early since I had planned to have dinner with Bill. We had a fine dinner in the student center catching each other up with what we’ve been doing. Second Planetarium show after dinner. Also went just fine. After this, we decide to go see Sweeney Todd in the campus theater. Work on capstone measurements till then. See the movie with Natalie, Chris, Marilyn, Kurtis, Chris P., and Nina. Extremely predictably movie, but some good dark humor along the way. Do some more capstone before bed.

Saturday (today!): Sleep in! Becky Penn came to visit in the morning and we ended up going canvassing for Barack Obama in Neshannock for the vast majority of the day. The people at the New Castle headquarters for Obama are the nicest people ever and were so appreciative of the help. It was a very rich neighborhood, and they only had us go to democratically registered households. We saw some professors along the way. We hit Dr. Twinning’s house, and he was happy to see us involved in politics. He enthusiastically supported Obama and told us to let him know if there was anything else he could do to help. I also saw Dr. Caylor running through the neighborhood, but since he is a republican, I didn’t get to see his house. I had a good day with Becky, I practically never get to spend time with her, or Missy, who also came with us. Missy came up with the amusing slogan of “If you’re tired of Bush’s drama, vote Barack Obama.” We were also joined by and older retired lady, who was wonderful to get to know. She was definitely on our level, joking around with us and having a good time. She wasn’t that old, but she was starting to gray, she kept pace with us for a really long time. My feet were hurting by the end of the day, but we never had to slow down on her account. I was starving by the end of it. I had just enough time to eat dinner in the student center and before running to the planetarium. Third show also went well. Afterwards I came back to my room and I have been writing this even since. I wanted to work on capstone, and I will for a bit, but seeing as how it got so late in the course of typing I doubt much will get done.

I’ll really need to buckle down tomorrow and work, but I need to go to Amanda’s senior recital. That’s only an hour though, and I’m sure it will be a good break.
Wow, this is really long. But I had a good week. I feel sorry for anyone who felt the need to read such a long entry though.

So I've decided to become an Ivy League girl and go to Dartmouth. The choice between Dartmouth and Montana was taxing, to say the least, but I really believe that this is the right thing for me. So today I signed my acceptance letter to Dartmouth and my letters for everywhere else saying "thanks but no thanks." So it is pretty much official.

I am also filling out a change of voter registration so I can vote in PA's primary, since I hadn't been able to make it back to Ohio like I had wanted to that day. Obama is the best thing to happen to politics since people decided "divine right" probably isn't the way to go. His message of hope and change, honesty and faith, is enough to make me cry: that man knows how to give a speech.

So I haven't said anything in a while... my bad.

I got accepted to the University of Arizona in Tucson and they flew me down to spend last thursday-sunday with them, to see their department and meet the other grad students and all that jazz. I met one solar physics girl and was really glad for the opprotunity, she was incredibly helpful. She told me three good things:

1. There was a big boom in solar physics in the 70's and so many of these people are beginning to retire now. Also, since it isn't viewed as "exotic" enough, not a lot of new people are getting trained in it. In essence, many new job oppenings and not enough people to fill them.
2. A lot of the prominent people in solar are women, and it is a very supportive, non-competitive, and friendly field.
3. Since there is a lot of collaboration between the different universities that study solar physics, she spends just as much time traveling as she does in Tucson.

In addition, Arizona is striking up a friendly relationship with the NSO (also Tucson based) which would yield wonderful opprotunities. The grad students there are friendly people and get along well. The department also has a stream of traditions that would make a new student feel involved and a part of the group. I went hiking with one of them when we had some free time and it was great just being able to hang out and talk to people (we had such busy schedules otherwise).

On the downside, the one of the two lecture I heard were absolutely painful. These researchers can not teach. Some grads complained heavilly about the coursework and teaching ability.

This is the only school I have visited so far, but Dartmouth has also invited me. There is a conflict though (I might be presenting some of my capstone work at the AAPS YSU meeting), so I'm not sure which has higher priority...

FYI #1: I have finally heard back from all my schools and I have been accepted everywhere except Colorado, but deep down I always knew that one was a long shot. However, this decision is so much harder than I thought it would be...I thought I had them clearly ranked and prioritized...not so anymore, I was wrong. This is a really tough call.

FYI #2: Bill and I broke up

FYI #3: Little Miss Natalie is my newest sorority daughter and I love her dearly. She is an amazing swimmer and is very likely to be going to nationals this year!!!

Just to let people know who haven't heard, I have gotten two graduate school acceptance letters. They are from the University of Arizona and the University of New Hampshire. Still waiting to hear from Colorado.

I think my increasing desire to attend Montana State has got to be the strangest coincidence of my life. Additionally, at the American Astronomical Society meeting in Austin, TX, they were the only university I applied to that I found a professor from, and was able to talk about their grad program with. Also, of my top three schools, they are the only one that I am applying to the physics department, and not the planetary science or other specialized department (which is also increasingly making me nervous).

On an unrelated note, I am also deeply in love with the Dr. Who quote from "Blink":
Sally: I love old things. They make me feel sad.
Kathy: What's good about sad?
Sally: It's happy for deep people.

Its probably sick that it resonates so strongly with me, but few emotions run as deeply as sad, and I'm not convinced that is a bad thing. Happy is superficial. And maybe that is the answer to some of the other questions in my life... how strange.

I have been suffering from bad memory lately. Well, I probably shouldn't put it that way. But rather, my recall has much to be desired. I have too much stuff in my head and I feel like all kinds of wonderful thoughts and ideas have been packed into boxes in the back of my mind; and they have started molding. But I don't know how to fix this problem, I just don't have time to do the things I "want to", I only have enough time for the things I "have to". And on the occasion when I can justify a break, I don't have the energy to do anything worth while.

I still haven't finished Ulysses. I think this has to be the third time I have restarted it since last Christmas when I got it. And religion has been so far buried in my mind that it took me about five minutes the other day to remember why I prefered hinduism to buddhism, and it's still feeling a little vague to me. I feel so boring any more, with nothing interesting to discuss besides grad school, solar lithium depletion, and the events of the day. I just keep waiting for when I have both the time and the energy to do things again. I mean, come on Lisa, how long as learning how to swing dance and taking up painting been on your "to do" list? Forever. Results: Progress=0.001%

You know, it sounds great to be able to make the time for this stuff. But then what gets bumped from my schedule? Homework? planetarium? Capstone? Phi Mu? I can't drop these now, it would invalidate everything I put in already.

So it really sucks, but I have to deal with being boring for a while, in order for my life to piece together how I want it to. Big picture and all that jazz...

Well, I went up to westminster yesterday to work on my capstone research and got nothing accomplished. My Beta-Lactoglobulin has apparently gone bad, since it did not gel as thickly as previous trials... which kills the usefulness of the four 0.5 ml batches I prepared the other day. Damn you Proteins...

However, I did get to play Christmas with Jenn and Bill while I was there, which was fun. But Jenn flew down to Alabama today to be with her aunt for the holidays. She'll be back in time for New Years, so there may be a little party at her place. Bill is still working on his room at the house, trying to undo the miserable painting job of the previous tenant and patching all the dents. To great relief though, he will be bringing his bed from home rather than trying to sleep in that coffin-esque loft space.

And God bless Jennifer with her ladders and space-heaters. Huzzah!

Back at home now. Attending a wedding at 11:00 tomorrow.
I just run run run all over the place anymore, like an real person.

Finals: check

I'm back home for Christmas now, and will be floating about until I go to Texas in January (frown) for the American Astronomical Society meeting. Christmas break will be shopping for gift, doing paperwork for grad school applications, reviewing electromagnetics and keeping my quantum fresh (start digging into my general relativity textbook?), finding some time to go back to Westminster to work on capstone, and at the request of Mom: baking cookies. There will also be a wedding to go to on the 22nd for one of Bill's friends.

In case you haven't heard, here is my grad school list (in an approximate order of preference):
University of Colorado
University of Arizona
Montana State University
Dartmouth University
University of New Hampshire
University of Maine

Met with Lightner briefly today to finalize the show for next semester (it will be "The New Cosmos", discussing what we have learned in the past 100 years, it looks really good, with amazing video). I also got my transcript request in to the registrar.

Ultimately, I'm just glad that there will be no more playing in the science building till 3am. And maybe I can get some real rest for once.

I'm feeling docile at the moment. I just want to know where I will be going to live for the next 5 to 6 years of my life. But on the upside, I'm somehow not stressed. It will all be fine in the end.

I am in a totally different mental state now than I have ever been before. Finally, as a senior in college, I realize the fate that is awaiting me. While in the past I understood that life is about going out and getting a job, the concept of an "average life" never held sway over me. I was smart, and worked hard, and I would go and do great things... I wouldn't be normal, I would be doing something grand and worthwhile, and note worthy. I would influence something, make an impact. Normal was never an option, it was Never on the table. Now I recognize that there really are two ways I can go with my life, more than two, tons... But there are two groups. By this point in our lives, a lot of people with potential have blown it, one way or another. I haven't yet, so there are still a few doors open to me that aren't for others. Now is the point where I have to decide if I want to use them, or if I am okay with average.

I really did think once that if I worked my ass off I could be one of the people to go to Mars. Not even kidding. That is the kind of grandious vision I kept maintaining for my life.

Sure I could bow out now and go be a teacher somewhere, sure I could, and it would make ends meet, and it would be a comfortable life. But I would be unsatisfied, unfulfilled. I am so thankful that I have seen that I really do have a choice in this crazy mess of everything, because now I get what I am passing over, and I'm okay with it. And even if I don't get as far as I wanted, I'll be somewhere closer to where I wanted to be, and at least I'll know that I did everything I could, to the best of my knowledge.

And yes, this is all horribly cliche (which I hate), but as always, saying something and understanding it are completely different things.

Most of the times in our lives when we change, it is slow and gradual, and we barely notice. When we finally do notice, it is both suprising and obvious. I just noticed. My favorite word has changed from vivacious to pacified.