All people are insane, they will do anything at any time

Chapter Titles

2009-04-28T00:15:33Z

So one of my friends here is a High School English teacher and today she came up with this question: If you were to divide your life into 5 chapters what would you title each of them?

I strongly encourage everyone who reads this to think about what they can come up with. Here is mine:

1. Cubbyholes
2. Until the shoe fits
3. Circles and Solace
4. Adaption: The Art of Waiting?
5. How to Lose

Dreaming

2009-03-25T23:12:39Z

So, since the move to New England I haven't been able to remember my dreams ...until last night. And what was it about? That I had MS, which my parents had known about for years and had never told me. The kicker? Secretly giving me injections for it in my sleep. Somehow I finally figured it out and the dream was about dealing with it. oooookay

And yes, I have been watching reruns of the west wing, so it isn't entirely out of nowhere I guess.

Thought I'd share! Yay for sharing.

Vermont

2008-09-17T03:20:06Z

So a very brief update before bed. Yes, I am indeed here in Vermont and survived the move even though I have fallen off the radar. It is a bit of an emotional roller coaster, but frankly I thought it would be worse than it has been. For the most part I just want to dig in and get settled, but nothing but time will fix that. Everyone here is super nice, but sarcasm isn't very big and I am concerned I have come off as an insensitive ass on a few occasions as a consequence of this (though there are a few people I have made die with laughter). The professors are wonderful though, very laid back and seem helpful. It ought to work out fine.
Other than that, I think I just need to wait till I have the energy for a more extensive update. There is one thing I want to say though, even though no one is going to know what I am talking about it(but for my own sake I must write it somewhere). I hate that I keep letting myself wait and hope for something that is never ever going to happen, because then I just feel like crap when I am forced to tell myself over and over and over again "Lisa, it is never going to happen." I don't really even understand why I want it to.

almost time to go

2008-09-05T18:00:10Z

So a pleasant surprise happened late last week where I discovered Mel and Brandy were in town. The timing could not have been better since they are the perfect distraction. We went to the fair, got coffee and just caught up etc etc. Wonderful times. Brandy has since gone home, but Mel will be here until the day after I leave. We met up again last night at Caribou and will get dinner tonight. Tomorrow, Dad will be picking up the moving van and we will load it up. Sunday morning we will set off for Vermont/New Hampshire.

violetspectra @ 2008-08-13T16:59:00

2008-08-13T21:29:07Z

If you’re wondering why I haven’t written since graduation it is because I find my physical ink and paper journal significantly more cathartic than typing.

It is now 24 days until I will be moving to Vermont/New Hampshire. I’ll be living in a revamped barn house with three other physics grads for an obscenely cheap cost. The only downside being that I have never so much as laid eyes on these people before, which is causing me an increasing amount of disquiet. It is really starting to get to me that I will be leaving home for real this time. I absolutely love my parents and this is going to be much harder than anticipated. While a nine hour drive is doable, it is a non-trivial trek. And this fellowship is essentially a real job, with only two weeks of vacation time per year. So for the next five years I am only going to see my family for a week at Christmas and a week in the spring or summer.
Virtually all of my stuff is packed.

I've been trying to study for the qualifier, but my focus is hardly perfect.
I've been to Pittsburgh to visit Jenn twice, then again to help my brother move into his apartment in Shadyside. Also, a trip to oxford to help him get out of his place there. Seen Ros twice, which is always stimulating. I have lost three wisdom teeth; gained a new pair of glasses and haircut; tried to start painting and relearn to play the piano, and cooking, seen Obama twice. Reading, studying, exercising and thinking, thinking, thinking. When I absolutely have to get out of the house, I go shopping, which has led to a noticeable increase in my wardrobe.In general though, I feel too scattered to accomplish anything, but rather I'm just trying to do everything all at once. I've enjoyed myself, but the whole moving thing is creeping into my gut on a more regular basis than it used to. I can not imagine a challenge more complete or more daunting in my whole life. I mean, this is the test. Not on what I know, but on me, who I am and where I am going. I just feel dread over the whole thing. Not always though. Sometimes I am excited. Yesterday I was on google earth trying to figure out which house was mine and I learned that we are RIGHT on the river, not just close to it, but I'll probably look out the window and see it. It has got to be a great house, and that made me genuinely excited, so it is not all bad. I can barely even swim, there is no reason for that to make me happy, but for some reason it did. Waiting is always the worst part of everything. I just don't want to hear any more jokes about it, it is absolutely not funny to me, any nothing anyone says will make it so.

Finals and Senior Week

2008-05-08T19:10:57Z

Friday:
-Chem final
-Chem poster presentation
-E&M project due

Saturday:
-Pirates game in Pittsburgh with Jenn and Jeff

Sunday:
-Senior Vespers

Monday:
-Tulley's with entire senior class

Tuesday:
-President's brunch and Senior gifts
-Go back to Pittburgh for Wednesday and Thursday with Jenn and Beth?

Friday:
-Commencement run through
-Presidents reception

Saturday:
-10:30 Baccalaureate
-2:30 Commencement
-6:00 check out of dorms
-??????

Sunday:
-??????????????

Monday:
-?????????????????????????????

Tuesday:
-??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Senior Sendoff

2008-04-28T21:32:52Z

So yesterday was Senior Send-Off for Phi Mu and I just have to say that I have never broken down so completely in public before. Who would have thought that I, Miss Lisa Elaine, renowned for being quiet, un-dramatic, and emotionally stable would be the first to cry because Jennifer made a joke about how sharing a napkin is “showing real love.” I was a complete train wreck and should be pleased that I didn’t accidently light myself on fire when I was lighting one of the candles because I could not see through my tears. I seriously doubt that at any other time in my life will I have an experience like the one I have had with these women. We are true, honest to God sisters; bonded for life whether or not I ever see all of them again. Over the years there were times when I have hated some of them, but on days like yesterday you get punched in the face by how little any of the petty things, and even big things sometimes, matter because you are sisters, and nothing will ever change that. We are alumni now, and nothing will ever change the fact that we are sisters. There are several people over the years that I have been close to who have deactivated, and I can’t fully express how bad of an idea that is for any sister. The greatest aspect of a sisterhood is having a new family, people that you can be angry with, fight with, love and hate all at once, but know that they aren’t going anywhere. In college and in life, friends can be fleeting. One big fight with someone, and you can say screw it, cut them out of your life and be done with it. Or you can become too busy and just lose people over time. It’s so temporary and delicate, so fragile that you just lose people. Lose PEOPLE. Human being, people, person, entity, consciousness, entire living beings who think and feel like you do, who know you, and understand you, and have memories with you; just cut out of your life, just lost from your life, just gone. It is so easy to let the enormity of that slip by. That does not happen with sisters during college. It doesn’t matter how busy you get, they will be there when you have time again. It doesn’t matter how angry you get with them, once you get over it they are still going to be there. You can trust that these people which you have grown to know and care about are not going to fall out of your life, like a useless fact can get lost in your mind, or a sock can get lost in the dryer. Which is why I think graduating is such a horrible shock, because now these people that we knew we could trust to always be around no longer will be. Even the sisters I was not close to I love and will miss in some strange way, because they understand these things that I understand. They understand the bond between these sisters. It is enormously sad. Many of them will be staying around Pittsburgh, for at least a while, but I will be moving to New Hampshire, the weight of which is only now truly hitting me.
Luckily for me though, it is so obvious what of this life I will be holding onto and bringing into my new one. Jennifer, you know I am talking to you. Definitely Natalie as well, possibly Marilyn depending on how busy she becomes at her new school, maybe even Vicki in the end, so that I can keep an ear open to the sisters we leave behind. I really thought Becca would be on that list, but her deactivation was just too much for me to handle, she gave up, and I really haven’t seen her the same way since.
Roslyn, I think we have faired pretty well thus far and I hope to continue our long distance friendship. Now I am just several hours away from you in the other direction.

capstone

2008-04-25T21:15:57Z

Today I successful defended my senior capstone research, which means I will indeed be graduating (as long as I turn in an acceptable undergrad thesis paper as well, but since it is already half done I think I can manage it).

Graduation= May 17th= in 22 days
How absurd

Probably the best week I've ever had

2008-04-06T04:32:39Z

I just wanted to say that the last week may just have been the best of my life. Not because of anything huge or amazing, it was full of little things that kept making me feel good about life… For an entire week.

It started last Thursday. I needed to get a poster printed for a presentation related to my capstone research. There is apparently only one person on the entire campus who knows how to use our poster printer, and she wasn’t going to be in to work either that day or the next. Therefore, I had to go back to the Kinkos in Boardman to get the thing printed. Jenn offered to take me, and we had a good little outing involving a stop at the new Chipotle near Best Buy. Also, it only cost $9 to get the poster printed. We got back on campus just in time to go to the Theta Chi date auction, which I really wanted to get to to support Marilyn. Good time had by all. Phi Mu won lots of random things in the raffles.

Friday: Get a call from the Pennsylvania registration board: my voter registration stuff got there in time and everything is good, so I will be able to vote in the primary here. Go to YSU for the APS/AAPT Physics Conference. We check in and they give us all kind of information and everybody gets sweet laser pointer/LED flashlight pens. My poster presentation goes wonderful. I was able to answer all the questions and a few people were genuinely interested in what I was working on; which was surprisingly uplifting to me. We then go to the dinner the AAPT is holding in the Butler Art Museum, which is always great to walk around. There is this beautiful gray piece near the stairway that I love, but I must always forget about it and rediscovering it is fun. At the dinner itself, Dr. Caylor, Steph, Kevin, and myself end up sitting at a table with these three wonderful people. They sell equipment and were telling us the greatest stories about traveling to all sorts of places. They were a blast, they told this story about a place in some New England state where they were helping to set something up and they went to a seafood place. It was apparently a very hole-in-the-wall kind of place that all the locals go to. They served them some kind of seafood with really tough shells, and just dumped them in the center of the table and gave each person a hammer to eat them with. It sounded awesome. But yeah, they were just the coolest people. At one point they wanted to wander the museum so they ask me to watch their seats. I tell them I will but they start messing me, saying I don’t look like I could defend a chair. So in a perfectly serious face I tell them “Oh, no, I’m scrappy.” This comment absolutely killed Dr. Caylor, who said that comment made the entire trip worthwhile. The second talk at the conference is about climate change, and was very interesting. We all start heading back to Westminster, and I am in the van with Caylor. It is also worth noting that Chris, Mark, and a few others have been playing with their laser pointer pens pretty much all day. But we are driving back at night so we are dark adapted in the car, when Chris shines the LED into the rear view mirror. Now Dr. Caylor tells us off all the time, he is a pretty young prof, probably around 33 to 35, and he is a sarcastic smart ass. But hearing him say to Chris “Don’t you fucking dare” was pretty priceless. Some people sound very natural when they swear, and apparently he is one of them, though he typically holds his tongue. So we get back to Westminster and we hang out in the student lounge for a bit. We decide that we will go to the one-acts, which are student written sort one-act plays put on by the theater honorary, in a few hours. In the mean time, we (Natalie, Marilyn, Chris, Kurtis, and myself) play with out laser pointers in the planetarium. We amuse ourselves in this manner for a solid hour, working together to draw pictures/ all the greek letters on the planetarium dome. We then headed over to the campus center for the show, and in between acts continue playing with our lasers on the ceiling. Eventually, some people notice and give us a good bit of applause for an awesome smiley face and the kid running the sound starts narrating our “follow the leader” game as a race. After the one-acts, we head back to ferg for a bit to put on some warmer clothes: we want to go play on the roof of the science building, and it is around 11:30/12:00 at this point, so it is a bit chilly. So we bundle up and head back to Hoyt. On the way a tree is climbed. Once we get there, Chris decides to try to climb the wall of the adjacent building since it is the brick that has some inset further than others. Natalie and Kurtis join him and I have a wonderful picture of “spider physicists”. We then decide we will need to call security to have them let us into Hoyt, since it is already closed for the night. They will probably be more inquisitive if a bunch of us are there, so Natalie, Kurtis, and Chris go around to the back door while me and Marilyn wait at the main entrance for security. The security guard that comes over is one that sees me and Marilyn in the physics student lounge all the time late at night and barely bats and eyes when he sees us needing to get in. He asks us what we need to get in for, we say to work in the planetarium, and he lets us in and leaves. We head to the back door and let the rest of them in. We then go to the observatory on the roof. Marilyn opens the slit of the dome and people start climbing onto the outskirts of the dome. This scares me to death because in order to manage this one must stand on the shaky wooden railing around the telescope and then shift your weight onto the outer rim of the dome, which is probably 4ish feet over and at an angle. If one were to slip during this ordeal they would be greeted by a 15ft fall onto solid concrete. They are all trying to peer pressure me into it, when Marilyn says there is a ladder from the actual roof up to the dome roof that I could try. Now a ladder sounds like a good idea as I am staring at the concrete below me, so I head back down the observatory stair to the main roof. This is one creepy ladder, it is obviously ancient and seeing as it is on the roof of a building in Pennsylvania sees bad weather constantly. Natalie comes with me for moral encouragement, and somehow I manage to get up it.
At this point it is probably obvious but, my fear of heights got a lot worse over last summer when I was at Kitt Peak: We walked along the catwalk of the 4m. Let me explain this further. The catwalk is a metal grid with railings, bolted to the dome of this approximately 20 story tall telescope. You look at your feet and you see through the walkway straight to the ground. While we are walking around it, they are telling us the story of the guy who got pushed off the catwalk and fell to his death. Thanks, this is the perfect time to tell this story…
But anyway, I got up the ladder and we continue goofing around and take a bunch of pictures, yell at the brothers standing outside of Phi Tau, and start singing for some reason. After a while it starts getting really cold so we move back into the observatory (me via the ladder). We amuse ourselves with the strange acoustics of the dome and start singing again. We do this for a while until we decide we really need to call it a night soon, and head back to Ferg. We continue hanging out in Marilyn’s room, and set up a series of reflective surfaces for our lasers to bounce off of, they we sprinkled Kool Aid into the air so we could watch the beam. This continued to entertain us for a while, and then we somehow got onto the subject of Fourier series, Natalie hadn’t heard of them, so I explained the concept, and Marilyn got really excited and showed us a game on her computer involving Fourier series (yes, we are that ridiculously geeky). We played with some of the other geeky toys in Marilyns room for a bit and eventually call it a night.
So yes, Friday March 28th is officially the best day I have had during my time here at Westminster. It didn’t involve alcohol, boyfriends, or anything illegal, it was just us being ridiculous, and ourselves, and not caring about other people thinking we are immature for having so much fun with laser pointers. It was just a good time. It was innocent, it was genuine, and it was the kind of day and night that made me believe that not all happiness is superficial. And it wasn’t just me. Marilyn agrees that it was the best time she has had here.

Saturday: Sleep in like crazy because we went to bed so late. Around dinner time I went to Jenn’s for one of her wine and cheese parties. I got to see Beth Klass, formerly Randall, whom I never see. She is still such a sweet heart. We make pizza, seven layer dip, and beer bread without beer, but with fermented apple cider. All of these turned out excellently. Marilyn and Kurtis show up for a bit and we play with Jane the cat. More sisters show up and I got to chat with Heather, Tara, and Dell about me going to New Hampshire for a bit. Dell might move to New Hampshire in a year or so to go to a law school near Dartmouth. She said she is hoping to snag a smart Dartmouth boy, I agree that this is also a goal. If I don’t meet an appropriate boy for me at grad school I don’t think I ever will. Seriously, grad school has got to be good for meeting people who think about life similarly to me… right? Jenn plans on going to Phi Tau, so I head back to Ferg and crash early.

Sunday: Marilyn hosts a prospective girl physics major. She is a wonderful person. She is between here and Pitt and I really hope she comes here, Pitt is too big of a school for people like us. I spent time with her while Marilyn was at an exec meeting. We all hung out together afterwards talking about movies and religion. Phi Mu also has Sunday chapter meeting, so Nikki took her for a bit. Natalie auditioned to be our Greek Idol candidate and did beautifully. After that, we continued spending time with the prospective in my room so she could meet Vicki. We had some of the most random discussions ever.

Tuesday: Society of Physics Student had audits and I totally rocked them. We will likely get a good amount of money next year. It doesn’t effect me really, but I care about the people here and I want them to be well funded. The auditors were super nice and ate up everything I told them.

Wednesday: Phi Mu recruitment party. We got to paint little flower pots for the retirement home across the street from campus. The party was super relaxed and a good time for everyone involved. There has been a lot of sorority drama recently, and everyone putting it all aside and just spending time together was the remedy everyone needed. Bought my cap and gown this day, and it hit me full force how horribly I am going to miss my friends here.

Thursday: First planetarium show of the semester, goes off without any serious problems! Got to go to sister dinner with Jennifer. Good time had by all.

Friday: Held SPS elections and collectively ate two large and two medium pizzas. There are not that many of us that that should have even been possible. We also finished our year long project of building a trebuchet this day. I drilled a hole for the final piece of it, to hold the launch pin in place. We loaded it into Kurtis’ truck and took it down to the football practice fields. For our first launch. It was incredibly pathetic, so we kept making adjustments and it got better by the end. I’m not sure which was my favorite: when we tried to launch a bowling ball and it fell out of the sling behind the trebuchet, or the rocket that had an incredibly cool spin to it. Steph took video of the launches which I really need to acquire. I peace-ed out of the launches a bit early since I had planned to have dinner with Bill. We had a fine dinner in the student center catching each other up with what we’ve been doing. Second Planetarium show after dinner. Also went just fine. After this, we decide to go see Sweeney Todd in the campus theater. Work on capstone measurements till then. See the movie with Natalie, Chris, Marilyn, Kurtis, Chris P., and Nina. Extremely predictably movie, but some good dark humor along the way. Do some more capstone before bed.

Saturday (today!): Sleep in! Becky Penn came to visit in the morning and we ended up going canvassing for Barack Obama in Neshannock for the vast majority of the day. The people at the New Castle headquarters for Obama are the nicest people ever and were so appreciative of the help. It was a very rich neighborhood, and they only had us go to democratically registered households. We saw some professors along the way. We hit Dr. Twinning’s house, and he was happy to see us involved in politics. He enthusiastically supported Obama and told us to let him know if there was anything else he could do to help. I also saw Dr. Caylor running through the neighborhood, but since he is a republican, I didn’t get to see his house. I had a good day with Becky, I practically never get to spend time with her, or Missy, who also came with us. Missy came up with the amusing slogan of “If you’re tired of Bush’s drama, vote Barack Obama.” We were also joined by and older retired lady, who was wonderful to get to know. She was definitely on our level, joking around with us and having a good time. She wasn’t that old, but she was starting to gray, she kept pace with us for a really long time. My feet were hurting by the end of the day, but we never had to slow down on her account. I was starving by the end of it. I had just enough time to eat dinner in the student center and before running to the planetarium. Third show also went well. Afterwards I came back to my room and I have been writing this even since. I wanted to work on capstone, and I will for a bit, but seeing as how it got so late in the course of typing I doubt much will get done.

I’ll really need to buckle down tomorrow and work, but I need to go to Amanda’s senior recital. That’s only an hour though, and I’m sure it will be a good break.
Wow, this is really long. But I had a good week. I feel sorry for anyone who felt the need to read such a long entry though.

College decision

2008-03-20T00:16:58Z

So I've decided to become an Ivy League girl and go to Dartmouth. The choice between Dartmouth and Montana was taxing, to say the least, but I really believe that this is the right thing for me. So today I signed my acceptance letter to Dartmouth and my letters for everywhere else saying "thanks but no thanks." So it is pretty much official.

I am also filling out a change of voter registration so I can vote in PA's primary, since I hadn't been able to make it back to Ohio like I had wanted to that day. Obama is the best thing to happen to politics since people decided "divine right" probably isn't the way to go. His message of hope and change, honesty and faith, is enough to make me cry: that man knows how to give a speech.

update

2008-02-26T04:14:29Z

So I haven't said anything in a while... my bad.

I got accepted to the University of Arizona in Tucson and they flew me down to spend last thursday-sunday with them, to see their department and meet the other grad students and all that jazz. I met one solar physics girl and was really glad for the opprotunity, she was incredibly helpful. She told me three good things:

1. There was a big boom in solar physics in the 70's and so many of these people are beginning to retire now. Also, since it isn't viewed as "exotic" enough, not a lot of new people are getting trained in it. In essence, many new job oppenings and not enough people to fill them.
2. A lot of the prominent people in solar are women, and it is a very supportive, non-competitive, and friendly field.
3. Since there is a lot of collaboration between the different universities that study solar physics, she spends just as much time traveling as she does in Tucson.

In addition, Arizona is striking up a friendly relationship with the NSO (also Tucson based) which would yield wonderful opprotunities. The grad students there are friendly people and get along well. The department also has a stream of traditions that would make a new student feel involved and a part of the group. I went hiking with one of them when we had some free time and it was great just being able to hang out and talk to people (we had such busy schedules otherwise).

On the downside, the one of the two lecture I heard were absolutely painful. These researchers can not teach. Some grads complained heavilly about the coursework and teaching ability.

This is the only school I have visited so far, but Dartmouth has also invited me. There is a conflict though (I might be presenting some of my capstone work at the AAPS YSU meeting), so I'm not sure which has higher priority...

FYI #1: I have finally heard back from all my schools and I have been accepted everywhere except Colorado, but deep down I always knew that one was a long shot. However, this decision is so much harder than I thought it would be...I thought I had them clearly ranked and prioritized...not so anymore, I was wrong. This is a really tough call.

FYI #2: Bill and I broke up

FYI #3: Little Miss Natalie is my newest sorority daughter and I love her dearly. She is an amazing swimmer and is very likely to be going to nationals this year!!!

FYI

2008-02-02T00:05:48Z

Just to let people know who haven't heard, I have gotten two graduate school acceptance letters. They are from the University of Arizona and the University of New Hampshire. Still waiting to hear from Colorado.

violetspectra @ 2008-01-13T16:52:00

2008-01-13T22:10:53Z

I think my increasing desire to attend Montana State has got to be the strangest coincidence of my life. Additionally, at the American Astronomical Society meeting in Austin, TX, they were the only university I applied to that I found a professor from, and was able to talk about their grad program with. Also, of my top three schools, they are the only one that I am applying to the physics department, and not the planetary science or other specialized department (which is also increasingly making me nervous).

On an unrelated note, I am also deeply in love with the Dr. Who quote from "Blink":
Sally: I love old things. They make me feel sad.
Kathy: What's good about sad?
Sally: It's happy for deep people.

Its probably sick that it resonates so strongly with me, but few emotions run as deeply as sad, and I'm not convinced that is a bad thing. Happy is superficial. And maybe that is the answer to some of the other questions in my life... how strange.

again... so soon? why yes, it is another post

2007-12-22T01:20:16Z

I have been suffering from bad memory lately. Well, I probably shouldn't put it that way. But rather, my recall has much to be desired. I have too much stuff in my head and I feel like all kinds of wonderful thoughts and ideas have been packed into boxes in the back of my mind; and they have started molding. But I don't know how to fix this problem, I just don't have time to do the things I "want to", I only have enough time for the things I "have to". And on the occasion when I can justify a break, I don't have the energy to do anything worth while.

I still haven't finished Ulysses. I think this has to be the third time I have restarted it since last Christmas when I got it. And religion has been so far buried in my mind that it took me about five minutes the other day to remember why I prefered hinduism to buddhism, and it's still feeling a little vague to me. I feel so boring any more, with nothing interesting to discuss besides grad school, solar lithium depletion, and the events of the day. I just keep waiting for when I have both the time and the energy to do things again. I mean, come on Lisa, how long as learning how to swing dance and taking up painting been on your "to do" list? Forever. Results: Progress=0.001%

You know, it sounds great to be able to make the time for this stuff. But then what gets bumped from my schedule? Homework? planetarium? Capstone? Phi Mu? I can't drop these now, it would invalidate everything I put in already.

So it really sucks, but I have to deal with being boring for a while, in order for my life to piece together how I want it to. Big picture and all that jazz...

violetspectra @ 2007-12-21T16:15:00

2007-12-21T21:34:21Z

Well, I went up to westminster yesterday to work on my capstone research and got nothing accomplished. My Beta-Lactoglobulin has apparently gone bad, since it did not gel as thickly as previous trials... which kills the usefulness of the four 0.5 ml batches I prepared the other day. Damn you Proteins...

However, I did get to play Christmas with Jenn and Bill while I was there, which was fun. But Jenn flew down to Alabama today to be with her aunt for the holidays. She'll be back in time for New Years, so there may be a little party at her place. Bill is still working on his room at the house, trying to undo the miserable painting job of the previous tenant and patching all the dents. To great relief though, he will be bringing his bed from home rather than trying to sleep in that coffin-esque loft space.

And God bless Jennifer with her ladders and space-heaters. Huzzah!

Back at home now. Attending a wedding at 11:00 tomorrow.
I just run run run all over the place anymore, like an real person.

violetspectra @ 2007-12-14T18:44:00

2007-12-15T00:08:52Z

Finals: check

I'm back home for Christmas now, and will be floating about until I go to Texas in January (frown) for the American Astronomical Society meeting. Christmas break will be shopping for gift, doing paperwork for grad school applications, reviewing electromagnetics and keeping my quantum fresh (start digging into my general relativity textbook?), finding some time to go back to Westminster to work on capstone, and at the request of Mom: baking cookies. There will also be a wedding to go to on the 22nd for one of Bill's friends.

In case you haven't heard, here is my grad school list (in an approximate order of preference):
University of Colorado
University of Arizona
Montana State University
Dartmouth University
University of New Hampshire
University of Maine

Met with Lightner briefly today to finalize the show for next semester (it will be "The New Cosmos", discussing what we have learned in the past 100 years, it looks really good, with amazing video). I also got my transcript request in to the registrar.

Ultimately, I'm just glad that there will be no more playing in the science building till 3am. And maybe I can get some real rest for once.

I'm feeling docile at the moment. I just want to know where I will be going to live for the next 5 to 6 years of my life. But on the upside, I'm somehow not stressed. It will all be fine in the end.

foreboding

2007-10-31T00:52:02Z

I am in a totally different mental state now than I have ever been before. Finally, as a senior in college, I realize the fate that is awaiting me. While in the past I understood that life is about going out and getting a job, the concept of an "average life" never held sway over me. I was smart, and worked hard, and I would go and do great things... I wouldn't be normal, I would be doing something grand and worthwhile, and note worthy. I would influence something, make an impact. Normal was never an option, it was Never on the table. Now I recognize that there really are two ways I can go with my life, more than two, tons... But there are two groups. By this point in our lives, a lot of people with potential have blown it, one way or another. I haven't yet, so there are still a few doors open to me that aren't for others. Now is the point where I have to decide if I want to use them, or if I am okay with average.

I really did think once that if I worked my ass off I could be one of the people to go to Mars. Not even kidding. That is the kind of grandious vision I kept maintaining for my life.

Sure I could bow out now and go be a teacher somewhere, sure I could, and it would make ends meet, and it would be a comfortable life. But I would be unsatisfied, unfulfilled. I am so thankful that I have seen that I really do have a choice in this crazy mess of everything, because now I get what I am passing over, and I'm okay with it. And even if I don't get as far as I wanted, I'll be somewhere closer to where I wanted to be, and at least I'll know that I did everything I could, to the best of my knowledge.

And yes, this is all horribly cliche (which I hate), but as always, saying something and understanding it are completely different things.

ch-ch-ch-changes

2007-08-24T01:48:28Z

Most of the times in our lives when we change, it is slow and gradual, and we barely notice. When we finally do notice, it is both suprising and obvious. I just noticed. My favorite word has changed from vivacious to pacified.

violetspectra @ 2007-04-28T12:31:00

2007-04-28T16:32:01Z

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

violetspectra @ 2007-03-11T13:21:00

2007-03-11T17:22:13Z

You are a
Social Liberal
(75% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(13% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

violetspectra @ 2006-04-30T12:59:00

2006-04-30T17:01:19Z

This week was amazing. It is going to blow to go back to the normal routine...but at least school is almost over.

Still feeling a bit queasy from last night though...

Greek Week-Day 1

2006-04-25T04:11:22Z

I haven't stopped moving all day. I am very tired right now, so I am going to bed. Just wanted to say: Sing-N-Swing practice was so much fun. I need to hook me up with dance class more often

violetspectra @ 2006-04-20T23:19:00

2006-04-21T03:20:51Z

Your Values Profile

Loyalty:

You value loyalty highly.
You're completely devoted to your friends and family.
Even if they totally screw up, you're still there for them.
Just make sure they're equally loyal to you!

Honesty:

You value honesty a fair amount.
You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it.
If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it.
In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity."

Generosity:

You value generosity highly.
So much so that you often put your own needs last.
There's nothing wrong with having a caring heart...
But you may want to rethink your "open wallet" policy.

Humility:

You value humility a fair amount.
You tend to be an easy going, humble person.
But occasionally your ego takes over.
You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best.

Tolerance:

You value tolerance highly.
Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...
You do all that you can to seek out interesting and unique friends.
You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test

violetspectra @ 2006-04-15T11:46:00

2006-04-15T15:47:10Z

You Are Corona

You don't drink for the love of beer. You drink to get drunk.
You prefer a very light, very smooth beer. A beer that's hardly a beer at all.
And while you make not like the taste of beer, you like the feeling of being drunk.
You drink early and often. Sometimes with friends. Sometimes alone. All the party needs is you!

What's Your Beer Personality?

Damn straight, I hate beer. Its ALL about the liquor.

WEEE Debates are fun, I want in!

2006-04-14T04:12:35Z

Now that I am back home I have time to argue

First of all, I don’t study philosophy. I tried once, and it didn’t go over well. I study religion. The reason is that I don’t have a problem with leaps of faith… making assumptions, if you will. They are, fundamentally, the same thing. No foundation for thought can be completely rock solid. This seems obvious to me. If it isn’t obvious to you, then you haven’t spent enough time around kids, especially kids that like being smart asses. Remember the “why” game, they ask you a question and whatever the answer is, they ask why the answer is true. How far can you go? At best 9, 10 questions before you are clueless and don’t know how to answer any more? In which case, we can not reach any fundamental truth, we know of no answer that is beyond questioning. So to me, the question of “knowing” is not a question of “can we know anything or everything" but rather, can you get to the heart of things, can you get a solid foundation.

But to discuss the former for a moment… the way I see it, yes to part one, and no to part two. We obviously know some things. I know my hair is brown, because I can look into a mirror and see that it is. I may have been taught to call it brown, but the label itself doesn’t matter. I am seeing some aspect of reality; perceiving reality in a simplistic and superficial way through the senses, but still perceiving the external world (and if you don’t believe this then stop kidding yourself and become a nondualist Hindu). If this isn’t knowing, then you have a distorted and grandiose definition of what knowledge is. Knowledge isn’t only a collection of facts acquired in the past, it isn’t only the conclusions we reach after a careful analysis of our perceptions, those are part, yes, but knowledge is also an awareness of the present. Memory is flawed, and we can’t know the future, but we do have the present. If nothing else, we do have the now. And if we have that, then we must be able to know it, at least superficially. I know where I am at this moment and I know what I am doing right now. My point, quit saying we can’t know anything, otherwise, what the hell is going on? If we couldn’t know anything it is time for us all to go collectively kill ourselves, or at least quit debating. If you can’t know anything, how do you know you can’t know anything? Huh, yeah, that’s right, take that.

The question of knowing what is right and what is wrong is far more complex then the act of knowing itself. I would have to say I am extremely reticent to claim there are absolute rights and absolute wrongs. I am too much of a physicist and have read too much relativity to jump casually into a belief of absolutes (there isn’t ether after all, every inertial reference frame is just as valid as every other). Rights and wrongs are socially constructed phenomenon and determined completely by context. Murder is wrong, but self defense is okay, people who kill in war are not punished (it was patriotic, justified), people who try suicide are pitied more than hated, mercy killing is A-okay in my book, if you are crazy, you don’t go to prison, you go to a mental hospital, you didn’t know any better. And how about revenge? Vigilante justice, baby! We’d empathize with a father who killed his daughter’s rapist now wouldn’t we; we might even let the father off. What about suicide bombers? We think they are out of their minds, but to their own people… those are heroes.
In my opinion, you just have to pick a moral paradigm and go with it, live it as best you can, and that’s all we can really ask. But I’d kindly ask that you pick one that doesn’t involve blowing me up, I happen to think that’s pretty cool. I think a good moral paradigm involves letting other people choose their own and letting them be… but that’s just me. And obviously, a society’s moral structure has to be one that allows the society to flourish. A self destructive paradigm I think we can all agree is bad. A moral system that says, “Nuke war, hell YEAH” is one I think we can all get behind and call BAD. I tend to judge moral systems by the impact they have on the societies that follow them (but this is my way of judging, and I can’t think of any way to prove it is any better than yours, but is does judge the usefulness of the morality, and what is the point of morality if it isn’t useful, and preferably to as many people as possible, hence why I think this is a good method). The more every individual prospers under a given moral system, the better that system is. Good morality is morality that fosters the well-being of all. I’m not going to call it an absolute, because I have no reason to believe there is only one system that could do this. It also lends itself to a scale, a society where everyone benefits has a better system than a society where everybody except one benefits. And once again, how can we know that a moral system is right or wrong under these criteria, because we can see the consequences of it in the present, first hand, without a doubt, absolutely what is happening, consequences. We can see it, experience it, know it (once again, unless you are a nondualist Hindu, in which case everything is the same thing, and thus equally good)

How can we know if something is factually right or factually wrong in a physical sense? Everybody thought Newton was right for a really long time. We are limited by our technological development and our current understanding of how the world works. I think this brings us cleanly to the other half of the question, can we know everything? No, quite simply, no. It is a well established scientific fact that we can not know everything. It is a built in characteristic of nature. The subatomic world is run by probability and chance. When radioactive materials decay, they have a half life. In so many years half of it will have decayed. But when will a specific atom decay? What makes it decide, “Today is the day I will decay” we haven’t the faintest idea. We just know, how many will make this decision…not which ones, and certainly not why them. No need to go into it further, there are plenty of other places you can read about it. Any quantum mechanics will make you understand quickly that we don’t understand everything, look up Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, or Gödel’s incompleteness theorem (if you prefer math to physics).

But, like I was saying, before this very long tangent started, I consider the true question of “knowing” not whether we can know anything or everything or know right and wrongs, but whether we can know the fundamental nature of things. Are we able to construct a solid basis for all our knowledge (or all the knowledge we are able to collect, since it is a definite we can’t get everything)? The kind of knowledge you guys are talking about, intellectual knowledge. After all, Dylan’s initial criticism was asking for a foundation for all the assumptions being made, asking how we know what we know and such. I ask you, “is such a foundation even possible?” Does there exist a way to ground ones argument so completely that it is beyond question to all people everywhere. Such a foundation would require one immutable fact unquestionable to all, from which all other ideas and arguments can be derived from??? Man, if you’ve got such a fact I’d love to hear it. All of the “knowing” I was talking about before was based on the assumption that my senses are accurate and that the physical world exists (as I tried to not-to-subtly remind you of with my Hinduism comments, I actually enjoy Hinduism, by the way, and in no way consider the idea of the Maya or nonduality to be a joke or comical nonsense, existence is a very weird thing, and I applaud them for realizing that so much earlier in the game than the western world). All of the above is based on the idea that Reality is, well, real. It’s a very Matrix-y idea, but minus the artificial intelligence and all that jazz, the Hindus have been worried that reality as we know it isn’t the real deal (or at least, the whole deal) since around the dawn of Christianity. So, excuse me *raises my hand meekly* if there isn’t complete agreement on reality being real, where do you expect to find this marvelously unquestionably true fact on which to base all further discussion???
Give me one and I shall concede immediately.

As you search your brain for something that applies, I shall continue, again returning to a point I made initially. I don’t study philosophy, I study religion. The reason I prefer religion over philosophy is because philosophy thinks it possible to ground ones argument completely and rationally, and I do not. The only way we can know the physical world, is if we go ahead and make the assumption that we are capable of doing so. (in the preceding arguments, I bolded the assumptions I was making) We make these assumptions in our daily lives; we make it completely subconsciously and without ever thinking about it. And this assumption is, as all assumptions are, a leap of faith. We assume that the scientific method is reliable and repeatable, that if you do something once, the same thing will happen if you do it again. If you study quantum mechanics, you don’t understand the equations or why things behave as they do, you just believe that the equations worked before, and that they will next time you use them. Damned if you know why, but you believe in them, you are taking that leap of faith because you have no reason not to. You trust science. We all believe in something. We believe that our friends actually like us, and we believe that tomorrow morning we will wake up rather than die in our sleep. We believe in things because we find comfort in it. So for the love of God stop criticizing religious people for believing in something greater because they find comfort in it. I dub you members of the Church of the Physical World, and you have never questioned your membership. Your God is Reason, and he is no more tangible then mine. We all make assumptions and we all make leaps of faith, and we are forced to do so because there is no solid point on which to stand. And of course you will say that by making that statement I have found something solid to stand on… but what intelligent philosophy can be derived from this statement? It is not a foundation; it is a nugget of truth stumbled upon haphazardly for lack of any proof to the contrary. The foundation we stand on is based entirely on the assumptions we have made given the experiences of our lives, what we have seen, and what we fundamentally desire to be the truth.

That is my foundation, based on the sum of my limited experience in this crazy inexplicable thing called existence.

I could discuss Gödel a bit, and maybe I will later. But right now, I am more in a mood
To talk religion, pure and untainted by philosophy, the way I like it. Where assumptions aren’t criticized (as they shouldn’t be) and emotional response is allowed to trump logic!
God do I love religion!

Whoever said that religion is based on fear, I just want to scream when people say that. Religion may be a comfort to the harshness of reality, but 1.that is most definitely not its only function. 2.seeking comfort does not mean you fear the alternative, you just consider it less pleasant, and that there is no reason to suffer needlessly when such a simple solution suffering sits in front of you (it’s a bit pragmatic really) 3.such a condemnation condemns yourself because you take these comforting leaps of faith as well, just rather than appealing to a spirituality you appeal to the Church of the Physical World. Going back to point 1, my own spirituality is based more solely in love and a hopeless idealism than fear, fear in no way factors into the equation. And nothing pisses me off more than atheists that claim they understand what is going through the mind of a religious person. No, you don’t know, shut up (I’ve suddenly devolved into a five year old, my bad, sorry).

And as for “I've never felt it, and i dont think i ever will. why must people look to something that is beyond our perception, beyond our experience, to satisfy a "missing" portion of their life? Why can't people be happy with the life they have instead of looking to something that has no impact at all in their lives?”…Well, I could quite simply have screamed and pulled out my hair when I read this statement. Once again, an atheist claiming to know what I think. 1. being spiritual is not about going beyond perception or experience to satisfy something that is missing; spirituality (mine at least) is about opening your perception to see and accept more aspects of the world that we would otherwise be closed to. The key is seeing that the spiritual, that God is NOT beyond our experience. “Look under a rock, and I will be there” Being spiritual is seeing the world in a different way to realize that everything is a miracle. 2. Seeing the world in this way DOES impact our lives and makes it easier to be happy with our lives. I find it funny that in one argument you say we turn to religion to alleviate fear and in the next argument say that is doesn’t do anything for us. I find that funny.

And as for, “don't really want to have to defend myself for not beliving in something that I think is a horrible perversion of morals and ideas. I dislike that I am the odd one for believing in the lack of something than a made up a story that describes things that I could care less about.” Wow, a horrible perversion of moral and ideas…really? And you wonder why people feel as if they are being personally attacked….The church is one thing, I feel no need to defend the church, they’ve messed up pretty badly in the past and I’m betting will again in the future. But wow, to denounce all religion with such a statement, you’ve got balls, if nothing else. And as for the rest, I don’t usually mess with atheists (unless they are on the attack), my roommates an atheist and I’ve never criticized her for it. And as for the Christians that do go around converting, yeah, they are the kind that doesn’t know what they are talking about. I BEG of you, don’t judge all of us based on them. But seriously “horrible perversion of moral and ideas,” that’s harsh, that’s really harsh, and purposefully hurtful. Read the Sermon on the Mount and try saying that again.